"My Savior is most diligent;

He has me in his book

With all my faults enumerated,

And I am certain there.

It's only the Fallen One

Who wants us perfect;

For then we will not need an angel's care."

Clive Barker's Galilee

Things I would rather be doing...

My work; making jewellery; anything with a horse; cleaning my apt.; having tea with my friends; playing guitar with friends; studying; going on a roadtrip with my sister; but, most of all, ...I'd rather be with you.

Weight and Stuff and TS Elliott...

"WEIGHT and STUFF are simply barriers against a world we THINK is threatening."

Weight and My Little Pony...I build awesome barriers!

The past couple of weeks have been electric, connections buzzing.

Recovering from LOSS and hardship, I come to realize...

I have fallen into obscurity, FAR from my personal feminine vision.

To extracate myself from a VERY dark place, I must now fumble towards a light.

Self Examination.

I peek into mirrors, almost afraid to look. I barely recognize the person who looks back.

Is this me?

What IS my feminine vision?

I don't remember... So much a part of me, I simply took for granted. Now, unknown. I'm scrabbling. Who is this person I have come to be?

I am NO ONE.

Once,

A musician, a singer/songwriter/guitar player; a girl / a daughter; ALMOST a wife; good at sports; popular..

Now,

I WORK for the gov't; sometimes, I make jewellery; a landlady; a pet mom; a sister; reclusive...

My world has grown quite SMALL. I don't trust. Experience cautions me to shield myself from any attempt at risk taking; however, that is not MY nature.

I believe in MY nature. I was born in the year of the HORSE. I promise to act courageously in the face of the obscurity I have allowed myself to drown in. My higher self - WILL - finds a hold. I will trust again.

Tumbling and getting back up - LIVING.

If you don't get back up....you're dead. And, by the way...

“That corpse you planted last year in your garden, “Has it begun to sprout? Will it bloom this year?"

I have been DEAD, living in the scorched earth.

"...fear, in a handful of dust"

"April is the cruellest month, breeding Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing Memory and desire, stirring Dull roots with spring rain..."

In time, we ALL grow green again...

"Now it's time to say goodbye to ALL our company..."

I decided that I should begin selling off some of my COLLECTIONS. I purchased an online seller photo kit on ebay for about a hundred bucks. Wow - suddenly I have nice photos! That was a worthwhile purchase!

One of my favorite pieces of art is by Dr Seuss. It's called "a man who has made an unwise purchase". It depicts a nicely dressed man proudly carrying off a rarified CHICKEN. I love it! How many times have I bought something wondering "What The??????"

I do love my Collections. Trouble is, I have too many. So, downsizing is a good thing.

At this moment in time I can proudly say that I have ALL of the G1 My Little Pony. Including UK and Dutch!

How did it begin? Well, my spousal person was hanging around with an old girlfriend... He invited her to a get together at our home. She was curating an art show - the Pony Project - and brought one as a Hostess gift. SUNSPOT. He was the first.

Why did I begin to collect? Was it out of anger at my spouse? Hmmmm. What the heck, who cares? All that matters is I started to collect them.

Predictably, as when your spouse starts hanging out with old girlfriends, our relationship ENDED. My father also passed and left me with a HUGE number of unresolved issues. I collected MORE. I even went for HELP. In retrospect, I now realize I was only seeking REFUGE. Happily, it was pleasant to be part of the pony community. And I, like many, have come to be fond of it.

Now I feel it's time to Move On. I listed some of my Collection for sale. I began by listing all my "Doubles". They SOLD in one day and generated inquiries about others I wasn't ready to sell yet. But I agreed to sell them anyway.

Packing up for shipment is hard. I look at them and see how beautiful they are. I can see how HARD I worked to get (be) the very best, under the circumstances.

Looking at them now, I did a Good Job! Personally, I was suffering. But still, I managed to do something right.

It's hard to Let Go. I tell myself their construction is such they won't last forever, the current market is strong...These are good reasons. When you make the decision to collect, sometimes you come out ahead, and sometimes you lose. It's the journey that's important. They showed me a safe place - a cocoon. I didn't WANT change. But no matter, TIME is upon all of us. Like it, or not. Like the cat thrown from a window, yet somehow landing on it's feet, I landed in the pop culture phenomina that is - My Little Pony.

As the song goes..."Who can say if I've been changed for the better...I've been changed for good"

The sun goes down and I no longer own ALL the G1 My Little Pony.

Am I a different person? Yes. I no longer need a safe place to hide. I can EMERGE. I can finally see MYSELF in all the craziness in my closet. And, I will celebrate with all the pink and glitter and awesomeness that is...My Little Pony.

"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."

It's another glorious summer weekend! I am free to do whatever pleases me. Time is MINE to spend... These are the golden days.

Living in the moment IS paying honour to the past...

I read somewhere that my most important role in this lifetime is to truly know and understand - ME.

Interesting. With every little thing screaming and grabbing for my attention, how well do I really know myself?

I'm pretty sure I thought I knew, once upon a time...

It's true. I have often let events and places frame who I am.

At some level, we ALL get stuck in a rut.

My sister LOVED my recent batch of handmade jewellery. It was a joy to see her try and sort out favorites.

I really fretted over this batch. For months I was like rumpelstiltskin bent over my bench...questioning the relevance of what I was making. My friendly dogwalker lady quipping and offering wry observations; day-after-day I poured through piles of tiny rhinestones to glue to bottlecaps.

In the end, it all turned out for the best. I'm happy - and ready - to present the latest and greatest on my etsy site. It's been a long time coming. I finally feel my life is making sense, and I have direction.

I'm sad to be alone at this time in my life, but I am proud to be a North American woman - independent, opinionated and ABLE to deal on my own. I have to accept that maybe this, being alone, is part of what that means.

What I have come to understand about myself is that I don't give up - I find a way. It's not always pretty. I'm not always pretty, but I am ME...and I will find a way.

It's hard to accept when things can't be fixed. The future awaits, make the moments count.

From last night's episode of Defiance..

The lady mayor in response to difficult decisions...

"...sometimes, just not giving up is enough."

Don't postphone happiness!

The good news is - "...trying and failing will eventually lead to trying and succeeding".

Instead of dwelling on how I ended up where I was, I imagine where I want to be and the accompanying feeling of achievement.

For me, I imagine the immense feeling of leading a horse out of the stable. The huge rush, anticipation and connectedness - the "Look at me! I own the world!" feeling.

In the words of a great musical "Don't dream it - Be it!".

Instead of attempting / trying to, one day, Get THERE - just make this moment your own - RIGHT NOW.

Don't postphone happiness.

No more waiting! It's already here! Take the magic with you - don't put it on a pedestal for "some day" - put it in your pocket for right now!

If you are reading this, I hope you find it helpful.

C.S. Lewis wrote:

"Everyday in a life fills the rest of the life with anticipation and memory, and these are that day".

Hold on to the good ones and replay them like a favorite song.

You have to be ALIVE to write - Graham Nash

First steps are the hardest. I have not been at work this year...and I was planning that this year would be better - sigh. Well, I'm back now. 3 days a week for the time being. I got really sick this winter. Thyroid was off. Bloodwork was off. Heart was off. I struggled to keep up over Christmas and blamed the weather...When I finally called my sister - who had to abandon the two children she has custody of...find a ride to the city - and come to my rescue...we went to the dr and found out my bloodwork was a total mess. I was scared. Suddenly it occurred to me that things might not get better. I remembered the days of watching my mother struggle after a life changing stroke - the life she knew and her abilities snatched away forever...I became afraid. We take things for granted. The past couple of weeks I've been spending my time wrapping crystals. Awesome job...if I do say so. I can't wait to show off my handiwork to my sis. I've been feeling a bit better. For now, my world is still pretty small. I survived the winter and the hard times. I count my blessings.

Easter

I have been down. Often wondering where my next step should take me. I am alone in a big city I no longer love - or understand. I still have a long way to go. Sometimes it feels like I'm back at the beginning. Or maybe that's the way it always is... I'm okay. I've been better. Everyday is a chance to get things right. I do my best, and then move on... try to find my inner grace and live up to my vision. I'll make a list - a kind of treasure map...only my map is alive and constantly changing. My crew - a fuzzy-faced dog and 3 steadfast cats. I plot my course carefully, as everything depends on my steady ability to pilot this paper boat to safe landing. So, I'm stubborn. Something I have to live with. It keeps me strong, but it makes vunerable. I hold onto things past their expiry date. A lesson from my wise 8-year old nephew who counselled me to let go of a rabbit foot he had given me. When it fell apart, I wanted to fix it. He said the luck was gone from it and that I should just let it go. When will I learn? I turn to the things that make me ME. I play my guitar. I search for the words that will make things alright. None come. I make jewellery from bottle caps and found items. I look for beauty in everyday things. ...and one day I will venture out of my shell.

Weak Tea...

Firefly is the type of spaceship piloted by Captain Mal Reynolds

Mal, in response to taking on passengers....

"The last two jobs we had were weak tea. If we don't get paid for this, we don't have enough to fuel the ship, much less keep her repaired... We'll be dead in the water."

With these words resonating...I begin. In my own way, I have became the Captain of my own version of the Firefly, a three bedroom apt I found myself with when my spouse of 22 years moved out - suddenly.

After a reasonable amount of time had passed, it became clear that this wasn't just a couple of months to think things out...I had to either "get paid" - or be "dead in the water" and so, I took on a couple of passengers... two roommates.

One a lady of my own age and reasonably similar circumstance. Hasn't turned out so very well, and she will soon be ending her journey with me. Lessons learned; lessons are costly. Now I know what to look for and what I can set out in my terms.

One - a young man - less than 1/2 my age. This has turned out rather well so far. And so, more lessons learned... For now, I'm juggling my cargo, trying to keep my craft in the air. Looking for opportunities...

Captain Reynolds suffered a jaw dropping defeat at the battle at "Serenity"...a battle that might have been won...but sadly wasn't.

Like Captain Reynolds, I too have suffered my own heart stopping, gut wrenching defeat. A personal battle, the taste of hard won gains squandered in the last moments...

Operative:

"You've done remarkable things. But you're fighting a war you've already lost."

Mal:

"Yeah well, I'm known for that."

Just Sayin'

Don't be too hasty to judge us by our past; our futures have yet to be written. Tom Mason - Falling Skies

“We both started out in the same place,You can come back from this, I know you can. This can’t be it, it can’t be. You gotta be able to come back from this.”  - Rick, The Walking Dead (Episode:  Clear)

"Don't be afraid of things that scare you!" Laurabythe lake

"We are here, this is now" - Planet of the Apes

"You get what you get" - Laurabythelake

“I worry that when I die my partner will sell my stuff for what I said I paid for it”- Anon.

"It doesn't matter how rich you are, you can always be broke. Happily, the reverse is also true." - Laurabythelake

"I'm pretty sure I don't what to be where I'm going." - Anon.

"Everything's Norbal"  Marty Matchstick

It's "Nice"  Rob.